The Boy Who Destroyed The World
by chichirichick
Summary: Heero finds out about a disturbing past. 3x1 pairing, not graphic, only suggestive Rating for language and some content
1. Chapter 1: Heero

Disclaimer:Don't own Gundam or AFI. God I wish I owed AFI *drools* Davey... This is a little song fiction that was inspired thanks to the wonderfulness of AFI.

--

THE BOY WHO DESTROYED THE WORLD

Once there was a boy who had a vibrant glow,

but as it goes, someone took it from him. 

One day through the rain I heard him meekly moan, 

he said, "Will you wrap your arms around me as I'm falling?"

Remember when, remember when we were all so beautiful? 

But since then we've lost our glow. 

They said it hurt their eyes but he would never know 

that they were filled with regret as their own dissipated. 

He said "I now feel more desperately alone, 

even though they wrapped their arms around me as I'm fallen."

Remember when, remember when we were all so beautiful? 

But since then we've lost our glow. 

They said it hurt their eyes, 

but he would never know that they were claiming regret as their own...

as their own dissipated.

--

Once there was a boy who had a vibrant glow...

Mina sat at her desk. A headache had started to creep through her mind, causing her to drop her pen in frustration. She sighed. This constant work was taking it's toil, and so was the rain outside. She glanced out the window for a moment, watching the rivers stream down the driveway. "It's been raining for so long..." she sighed again.

Suddenly something caught her eye. "Who?" A shadowy figure on the doorstep? She walked quickly over to the door and opened it. It was gone... but had left something. It was moving! She picked up the parcel, carefully unwrapping it. "A child..."

The little thing was sound asleep, drenched from the rain. She quickly unwrapped it from the soaked blanket, wrapping it again in her scarf. She looked at the little thing, curled up in her arms. Why had that person left the little thing here? This wasn't exactly a place to be leaving a baby. It's not as if this was an orphanage... or even a regular home.

She held the baby close to her and walked down the dark hallway of the house. She came to that familiar door, yet it still sent a chill up her spine. Knocking gently, she cracked open the door. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Sir, some one... left something for you." Mina walked in slowly, showing the busy professor the small infant.

"Damn that woman." The professor seemed quite annoyed rather than shocked or upset. "She's given him to me much to early. Hm... Just get rid of him."

"Get rid of him, sir?" Mina looked at the little thing. Get rid of him?? What did the doctor mean?

"Give him to the orphanage, throw him in the river, do something, just get rid of him!"

"Yes, sir." She walked out of the room quickly. Kill him? The poor, defenseless baby? The doctor sounded like this was planned...

She could feel the baby stirring.

One day through the rain I heard him meekly moan, 

he said, "Will you wrap your arms around me as I'm falling?"

He reached out for her, his tiny fingers grasping for her. The little infant started to cry. She sighed. What was going to happen to him? She couldn't just... let the poor thing die. She clasp the baby to her chest, feeling his little fingers grasping onto her clothing. "Shhh... It's alright." She bobbed him up and down gently, listening as he slowly stopped crying. "I'll take care of you."

Mina carefully laid the baby down and put on her coat. She picked him back up, hearing him coo with delight at the attention he was getting. She snuggled him closely inside her jacket. "I wonder what I'm going to do with you, little one."

The child babbled something. Only baby noises.

"Lets go home then," she sighed. What was she getting herself into? A baby? What kind of trouble would this get her into...

--

He grasped at her. "Momma! Momma!"

"Oh, my little Tori." Bird. She had named him bird, since that's what she felt he was. She had found him soaked on the doctor's doorstep, now he was like a tiny bird, helpless and struggling. Mina picked him up off the floor and held him close to her. His little fingers entangling themselves in her clothing. "My little bird."

--

Tori grabbed onto the end of her t-shirt, holding on for dear life. "Please, momma, don't go."

"Honey, it's work. Mommy has to go to work."

"But... that's doctor... he's scary!" She laughed at the little boy, but inside she felt the same was. He was frightening... especially with his wishes for the destruction of this little boy.

"Don't worry, darling, mommy will be just fine." She could see the tears welling up in his little eyes. They were like pools... deep pools. He was a beautiful boy, her beautiful boy. But then again, he wasn't. He was just discarded.

"But momma..." He had started to cry, the tears streaming down his face.

"Honey..."

"No." He said quickly, wiping the tears away. "I shouldn't cry."

She looked shocked. Her little boy, not cry? "Who told you that?"

"The doctor."

--

"I told you to get rid of him."

"But doctor..."

"What do you think you'd accomplish by keeping him?"

She wondered what he meant. Was the point of saving this little boy accomplishing something? No. Not in her mind. It was to save him, that was all. "Nothing."

"Well, that's exactly what you're going to accomplish by keeping him."

The doctor made Tori sound like a stray dog. "He's not just some toy you can discard," she said quietly to herself.

"No, he's a child you should have discarded."

--

His little hand felt perfect in hers. "My perfect little boy." She smiled at him sweetly.

He buried his face into her skirt, hiding the blush that had risen across his face. "Momma?"

"Yes, honey?" She tussled his hair a little and laughed.

"I love you."

She picked him up and he wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her tightly. Love. She was happy he could feel such things... She almost prided herself for saving him from those kind of things when she took him in. She was glad she had saved him from a fate far worse.

--

"Fate. Humph." The doctor scoffed at her. "You really think his face will be any better now that you've babied him and raised him?"

"Yes."

"Well, I suppose you'd believe that kind of illusion, wouldn't you?" he smirked.

"Illusion?"

"Ever wonder why the boy was brought here in the first place?"

"Yes."

"He's going to be a great man one day."

"I know that. I'll make him a wonderful and loving man. I'll be proud," she said solemnly.

"Oh, no, my dear," he snickered, "He'll be the exact opposite."

--

"Tori, promise me something?"

"Yes, momma, anything." He was lying on her, his head on her chest.

"I don't want you to talk to the doctor ever again."

"But momma..."

"Promise me, Tori."

"Yes, momma."

--

She grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the house, and into the car. "You didn't listen!"

"But momma..."

"Tori, you promised!"

"Momma, he said it was what I had to do! He said I was born..."

"All of that was a lie!" Tori went silent. He wasn't used to Mina yelling at him... she was always so gentle and kind. She never raised her voice, why now?

He felt the tears roll down his cheeks. No, he told himself, you can't cry, it's not right. The doctor said so... momma said not to listen to him though! Who was right?

She stopped the car and grabbed him, holding him tightly to her. "You're my baby, not his!"

--

"Momma?"

"Come here, boy."

"No!" Tori inched backwards, afraid of the older man.

"That woman put the worse things in your head." He waved his hand, annoyed at the boy.

"She said you lie."

"I do... sometimes." The older man tilted his head slightly. The boy had stopped moving backwards and stood his ground. Brave little boy.

"I still don't trust you!"

"Good, by the time we're finished you won't trust anyone, Tori."

--

"Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Why can't I go with you to work anymore?"

"I don't want you around the doctor anymore. Plus, you've gotten more school work to do now that you're older. You need more time to do it." She was standing at the kitchen counter, cutting vegetables quickly.

"But mom, I want to go."

"Honey, please, don't argue..."

"The doctor isn't as bad as you say he is!"

The knife slipped. The blood ran gently onto the counter.

--

"Ms. Mina..."

"Doctor."

"What brings you here today? Well, other than your usual duties of work, that is."

"Where is my son?"

"Who?"

"Tori."

"I don't know. You should keep better tabs on the boy."

"Don't play with me, doctor."

He laughed uncomfortably. "I can see you're not going to believe me, Ms. Mina."

"Doctor, where is Tori?"

The man slowly turned to a door, opening it. A young boy walked out, his motion fluid... like he was hardly even trying to walk.

"Tori!" Mina rushed over to him, attempting to throw her arms around him. 

The doctor stopped her. "I wouldn't suggest that."

The boy looked at the doctor. "Who is this?" His voice... it was cold and distant. It didn't sound happy anymore. Not like the Tori that Mina had raised.

"Tori?"

"Oh, no, this isn't Tori any longer, Mina, I'm sorry." The doctor displayed a crooked smile.

"You bastard!" Mina went to grab the doctor, but Heero grabbed her instead, pushing her against the wall, his gun placed conveniently at her heart.

"Doctor?"

"Kill her."

"Mission accepted." The boy's finger tensed on the trigger.

"His new name, Mina, is Heero Yuy."

--

Heero burst out of the dream in a cold sweat. Sobs rattled through his body, his bare skin clinging to the sheets that he was under. He curled his knees up underneath him and sobbed, pushing the thought of the dream out of his head.

"Heero?"

He could feel Trowa's hand rubbing his back lightly. Heero must have woken him up.

"Don't touch me!" Heero moved away, still shaking from the dream.

"Heero..." Trowa sat up slowly, wrapping his arms around the shaken boy's shoulders. "You had the dream again, didn't you?"

"Yes..." Heero uncurled himself and fell into Trowa's arms. Trowa laid back down slowly, allowing Heero to cry on his chest.

"Was it the same woman again?"

"Yes." Heero continued to sob, holding onto Trowa for dear life.

Trowa gently cleared away Heero's bangs, wiping the dream-induced sweat from his brow. "Did you ask Dr. J about that yet?"

"No..." Heero took in a deep breath, attempting to stop his crying.

"You really should." Trowa kissed his forehead gently. "But until you do, I'm right here when you wake up like this, okay?"

"Thank you, Trowa." He had stopped crying but was still clinging to him tightly. Trowa gently ran his hand across Heero's hair. Heero looked up at him. 

Trowa but his hand on the side of his face and bent in, kissing him gently on the lips. "Would you please just talk to Dr. J tomorrow?"

"I will." Heero kissed him back, sighing. "I'll ask him about it all."

--

Heero walked into Dr. J's lab. He looked around, but couldn't see the doctor anywhere. Heero walked over to the doctor's desk and sat down. "How am I going to ask him?" Heero sighed. He wondered who this woman in his dream was... who Mina was.

He cracked open the bottom drawer of his desk, revealing some files. There was nothing better to do than look at some of them, wait for Dr. J to come back. He glanced through some of the files. Heero picked up one of them. A piece of paper suddenly slipped out, falling onto the floor. He bent over and picked up the paper, finding it a photograph.

"Mina..." It was that woman... holding a little boy. A little boy with brown hair... blue pools for eyes... "Me?"

"Put that away." Heero saw a hand come over his shoulder and grasp the picture. "Who said you could go through my things?" Dr. J took the photo and shoved it in a folder, then threw it back into the drawer. "What possessed you to look through those files?"

"Who is Mina, Dr. J?" Heero asked, his voice remaining in his monotone.

"Mina?"

"Don't act as if you don't know." Coldness swept through Heero's voice.

"I wasn't expecting you to find out."

"I wouldn't have if it weren't for those dreams." Heero shuddered. So something could pierce his heart of stone... something other than Trowa. He remembered the boy's promise and wanted to smile.

"So she's invaded your dreams, has she?"

"Who is she, Dr. J?"

"An old assistant of mine," a thin smile pierced his lips. "She was the one who found you, Mr. Yuy. I assured her your life would be better if she just killed you while you were only a child. She refused to, raised you, and she allowed me to turn you into what you are now."

"Where is she?"

"I have no idea."

Heero pulled out his gun, aiming it right for Dr. J's head. "You'll tell me, damnit, you'll tell me what happened to her!"

"Heero, I'm only keeping this from you to save you a lot of grief..."

"I don't care!" Heero tensed on the trigger. "You'll tell me, or I'll kill you!"

"She died."

"How?" The gun had started to shake in his hand.

"She died in your arms, Heero."

"Tell me how!"

"You shot her."

"Oh, God..." Heero dropped the gun, his hand almost convulsing. "I didn't..."

"You killed Mina."

--

Heero had managed to stumble his way home. His head buzzing with his new found knowledge. He pushed through the door, his hands shaking like crazy. "Trowa!" He managed to shout for him, feeling his heart bleeding in his chest. "Oh, god, what have I done?"

"Heero?" Trowa walked slowly through the door, a confused look on his face. "Heero, what's wrong with you? Did you see Dr. J?"

"It was true... it was all true. Trowa, I killed her! I killed my own mother..." Heero fell to his knees, the sobs stabbing in his chest. "Oh god, I killed her..."

Trowa walked over to Heero. He... didn't know what to say. What do you say to a person who's just realized that they've killed the only thing they ever loved? "Heero..."

"Oh, Trowa..." Heero lunged into his arms, sobbing profusely.

"It wasn't your fault." He stuttered.

"It was... I shot her... she died in my arms!"

"So your dream was all true?"

"Yes! Oh, God, yes! Why? Why did I ever do that? Why?" 

"It wasn't you! It was that perfect soldier that Dr. J created. Heero, it wasn't the boy she raised, or the boy she loved who did that. It wasn't you." Trowa wrapped his arms around Heero, rubbing his back gently. He ran his fingers through Heero's hair, listening to him sobbing.

"I did that to her..." Heero pulled away, looking at Trowa. "I killed the woman that did everything for me. That saved my life."

"It wasn't you, Heero, it wasn't."

"Mina, I'm so sorry..."

--

"Heero..."

"What?" Heero had his head on the desk, the cold seeping through his skull.

"Heero, it's me."

Heero looked up to see Trowa's face. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I know."

"What do you want then, Trowa?"

"I want to give you this, Heero." Trowa pulled a few files from behind his back and placed them on the desk. "Look at these. You'll see... you'll see that you loved her too much to really kill her."

"What... are they?" He touched the top of the folders that were on the desk.

"Just look at them." Trowa bent over and kissed his cheek gently. "Just read them."

--

Heero sat uncomfortably in the car. After about ten minutes, he finally found enough courage to open the door, or enough of something to open the door. He walked across the grass, feeling it bent lightly under his feet. Heero sighed and stopped suddenly. The pain wretched through his heart.

"That's her grave..." Heero reached out, but couldn't move anymore than he already had.

He stared blankly at the grave... pins and needles sticking into his heart.

He heard footsteps, but ignored then, his eyes never leaving the grave.

The footsteps walked past Heero. It was Trowa, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He placed the flowers on the grave and stepped back for a moment, stinking his hands in his pockets. He bowed his head.

Heero finally walked over, falling to his knees right at the grave. He slowly took the picture out of his pocket, placing it right next to the flowers. "I'm sorry, Mina. I'm sorry... momma." He placed his head against the cold stone and let the tears fall down his cheeks. "I love you."

Trowa gently placed his hand on Heero's shoulder, watching as he turned to him with his teary, red eyes. "She's proud of you, Heero."

"Proud of me for killing her?" He wanted to kill himself instead.

"No, proud of you for regretting what you've done... and never forgetting her."


	2. Chapter 2: Trowa

Trowa looked at Heero. His eyes were relaxed shut, his eyelids only fluttering gently. Trowa's first reaction had been complete and utter shock. Now he stared gently at the Wing pilot who was clinging to him, his lips so perfectly pressed against his. But Trowa knew... he knew this wasn't love. Heero just needed some comfort, and Trowa was just the pilot to get it from.

Heero opened his eyes for a moment, feeling Trowa watching him. Trowa saw him stare into his eyes for a moment. Trowa searched them silently... no, no love. They were the same hard, cold, dark pools. It was so unfair. Heero closed his eyes again. He really doesn't care. Heero continued to kiss him, pushing harder and deeper into Trowa's mouth. It just wasn't fair.

Trowa wouldn't push him away though, and Heero knew it. That's why he's taking advantage of me, he thought. That's the only reason why he's doing this, just to play with me. It was Heero's sick game to be in control... he wanted to always be in control. It was what he needed, what he searched for, and Trowa would do anything, and everything to give him whatever he needed.

Why? Because I love him, he thought, I love him with all my heart and soul.

--

Trowa stirred, something disrupting his sleep. He woke up with that same depression eating away at him. It ate at him even more so after he realized where he was... sleeping in Heero's bed. I feel like a whore, he thought. I feel like his fucking slut.

He looked over, realizing Heero was sitting up. His body was shaking... almost convulsing with sobs. Trowa gently touched his back. "Heero?"

"Don't touch me!" Trowa wanted to shrink back and let him go. God, let him hurt for once. Let him feel all the fucking pain he's put me through. Instead Trowa sat up slowly, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

"Heero..." He whispered his name gently. "You had that dream again, didn't you?" Trowa knew the dream all too well. The woman. That woman that Heero killed over and over again, almost every night now since he had started sleeping with him. Since I had become his whore.

Heero made his usually one-word responses. Trowa tried to comfort him, lying him back down. He allowed him to cry on his chest, feeling his own pain relieved a little. He found himself... loving him even more, even if he did hate himself for loving him. "But until you do, I'm right here when you wake up like this, okay?"

"Thank you, Trowa." Trowa's eyes widened, but he stayed silent. The bastard had actually thanked him... thanked him for being there. That was a first. Maybe... could it be possible he actually did care? No, you're wrong.

--

"Momma?" No response. "Momma?"

"Get the fuck away." The woman pushed him, watching as the little boy tumbled to the ground. "Go the hell away, you little bastard. You ruined my life!" The woman was in tears.

"Momma, where's daddy?" The little boy had ignored the abuse, coming back up to the upset woman, reaching his arms out to hold her.

"I told you to get the fuck away!" The woman hit him again, sending him to the ground. "It's all your fucking fault! Do you hear me? You ruined my life!" She repeated.

"Momma, I'm sorry..." The little boy stood again, this time tears in his eyes. "Momma, I didn't mean to, I really didn't."

"Just leave me the hell alone, Kuru."

"Yes, Momma."

--

"Momma?" The boy crept up to the door. "Momma, I came to say I'm sorry."

Music was playing from inside the room, but he couldn't hear her voice. Why could he hear her voice? She must just be ignoring him. He ruined her life after all.

"Momma?" He pushed open the door slightly. The room was dark, shadows coming from the window. A line of light cut across the floor, emanating from the semi-open bathroom door. He shuffled his feet across the hardwood floor, making his way slowly over to the bathroom. He pushed the door open slowly. "Momma?"

Kuru walked over to the shower. "What are you doing, Momma?" He grabbed hold of one of her dangling feet, turning her body around. He looked up, perplexed at why she was hanging there... why that rope was so tight around her neck. "Momma?" Her eyes were closed. Her lips were blue. "I'm sorry."

--

Trowa shot up in Heero's bed. It was night's after Heero's nightmare, but he was still there, making sure he was at least happy. The sweat drenched his naked body and he shuddered. He suppressed the urge to cry... feeling nauseous instead. He turned to look at Heero, who still seemed sound asleep. Why did that bastard never wake up to comfort him? Now he really wanted to cry.

Heero opened his eyes, staring straight at Trowa. Trowa's mouth gaped open attempting to form some kind of words... something to tell Heero how sick of this all he was. Heero looked at him coldly. It didn't matter what he was going to say, Heero didn't care. Heero never cared. His eyes shut again.

Trowa looked away from the now sleeping Heero. It didn't matter how destroyed Trowa was inside... it only mattered if Heero was happy. It only mattered to him if Heero was happy. He'd kill himself if it made Heero happy. He'd kill himself too, if he ruined his life just like he had ruined hers.

--

"Kuru, your mommy has gone away for a little bit."

"Where has she gone this time?" Kuru grasped onto the tiny bear in his arms, rubbing it's ear incessantly. He sat in the nice woman's office. It had pretty green paper.

The woman looked surprised. "This time, honey? What do you mean?"

"Momma needed to get away sometimes."

"Why was that, honey?"

"She wanted to be away from me. I ruined her life." A tiny smile pierced his lips.

--

Trowa heard him shout as he came through his door. Had he come again... just to play with him some more? Trowa shrugged and walked into the next room, where he had heard him come in. He hadn't really been expecting Heero until tonight, when he'd need some one to sleep with again. That's all I am, just a warm body, he thought.

His heart broke as he walked through that door. Heero was there, completely broken into pieces, his beautiful eyes clouded with tears. Trowa became confused. "Heero?" He walked closer. "Heero, what's wrong with you? Did you see Dr. J?"

"It was true..." Heero continued to stutter the same things over and over, babbling about his dream and his new found knowledge from Dr. J. The stabbing pain in Trowa's heart twisted. So he really had killed her... maybe they were more alike that he knew. 

I killed my mother too, Trowa told him silently, I know the pain your feeling inside. I know what it's like to hurt the one you love like that... but do you even fucking care? No! You've never even asked!

Trowa pushed the thoughts from his mind, making comforting, rather than angered, answers to Heero. He didn't deserve to be hurt any more than he was. He needed some one to comfort him, some one to love him. I'll always love him, he thought. He ran his fingers through Heero's hair. I love you, Heero, can't you tell?

"Mina, I'm so sorry..." Trowa heard him murmur.

Trowa kissed his forehead gently. Why can't you be sorry for hurting me?

--

Trowa watched as Heero stood in front of her grave. He had gone to Dr. J and gotten those papers... letters from him to Mina about how much he loved her. True, they were from a tiny boy to his mother, but Trowa had hoped it would show Heero how he wasn't as maliciously as he swore he was. There were some pictures of the two of them too... and then the address of the cemetery at which she was buried. He had searched on his own to find that... all for Heero.

He felt his grip tighten around the flowers in his hand. He pushed the anger aside. He wasn't really angry... just so goddamn depressed. Trowa slowly walked to her grave, placing the flowers on it. It was as if he was trying to make up for his own mother.

Heero finally made his way over to the grave, falling in front of it. He was sobbing again, but Trowa wouldn't touch him this time. It wasn't over the anger... it was just the pure helplessness he had in this situation. I can't stop his pain this time, he thought, no matter how hard I try.

"I'm sorry, Mina. I'm sorry... momma." He could hear Heero break out into tears. 

The visions flashed in his head. The little boy. I'm sorry. Sorry for ruining your life.

"I love you." Heero said to the headstone.

Why couldn't he say that to me? Trowa wanted to grab him and hit him. He wanted to force him into admitting it... admitting what he felt under that fucking cold exterior.

Trowa placed his hand on Heero's shoulder. "She's proud of you, Heero."

"Proud of me for killing her?" Trowa wanted to kill himself for being so goddamn comforting to him when Heero wouldn't do the same.

"No, proud of you for regretting what you've done... and never forgetting her." But you'll never regret what you've done with me, will you, Heero? The twinge of pain flashed in Trowa's eyes.

"Trowa..." Heero stood up and pushing himself into Trowa's arms.

Trowa sighed. Heero never really did hold him... it was always Trowa.

--

Heero stood in the doorway. Trowa was looking out the window at nothing... recalling his dreams over and over. Heero slowly walked over... Trowa could hear his feet shuffling across the carpet. Trowa took in a breathe as he felt two strong arms wrap around his waist. Heero was...holding him. Something was wrong.

Trowa just stood there. Heero placed his head on Trowa's back, nuzzling his face gently into the fabric of his shirt. Trowa shuddered as he felt Heero's hand slip underneath his shirt, feeling his rough skin on his. Again, he was only there for Trowa's body. It was never about just holding him. Never.

"Why are you so goddamn cold?" Trowa gasped. Had he really just said it aloud? Yes... what would he say?

"Why are you so bitter?" Heero retorted in his monotone voice.

"Bitter?" Trowa seemed shocked... did it really seem that way? He didn't understand... how could he? Heero was the one who always turned the cold shoulder, never really showed him any feeling. Why would Trowa be the bitter one?

"Always." Trowa could feel his pull in closer, like he was attempting to squeeze himself into Trowa's body... as if he wanted to know what Trowa was really feeling inside. That's impossible, Trowa thought inside this time.

"I'm not bitter."

"You're not?" Heero seemed to huff at the suggestion. "Trowa, then tell me why every time you try to show some affection towards me I see that hateful look in your eye. You stare at me as if you hate me, I can tell."

Trowa moved his mouth... not able to reply. But I don't hate you, he thought, I love you. You just wouldn't... couldn't understand. You're so cold you couldn't. I know it. "You just can't love me."

"What?" Again, damnit! Again I say things aloud that I'm just thinking.

"Heero, I know this is all your game. I'm nothing to you, and I know it. Could we just drop it and act as if I never said anything? I'd rather not just keep reminding myself of what I really am. "

"What?" Heero let go of Trowa, standing back a little. Trowa turned around to see a confused look sweep across Heero's face. "A game?" He stood there just staring at Trowa, no emotions, no nothing, just this hint of confusion in his eyes. "You thought this all was a game?"

"Wasn't it?" Trowa could feel himself getting mad. Was Heero mocking him? "You just seemed to sleep with me to make yourself feel better. It was never about anything else."

"Trowa, I..." He just stared again, at a lost for words.

"That's all it is, and I know it. Don't worry about it." Trowa just seemed to shrug it off. Inside though... inside the depression was eating him up. Heero wouldn't take it all back and say he really did love him. I was right all along, he thought, he really doesn't love me.

Heero walked back up to Trowa and kissed him. I guess the conversation is over, Trowa thought, we'll go back to being the same again. Heero pulled him gently over to the bed, pushing him onto the bed first. Strange, Trowa thought, why was Heero doing anything? He's being in control, he thought again. Trowa laid back. He was tired of this.

Trowa moved up to the top of the bed, laying his head on one of the pillows. Heero just stood at the head of the bed for a moment. Trowa gave him a questioning glare... but stopped. He was right. Every time I look at him I... just seem like I hate him. Trowa closed his eyes slowly and opened them again, pushing back all the pain that he had blamed on Heero. It's not all his fault, he though.

He stared at Heero again, but this time without the hate. He had made sure of that. Heero slowly slunk onto the bed, laying on top of Trowa. He placed his head right next to Trowa's, his lips right next to his ear. "Trowa, it's not a game." He whispered.

"What?" Trowa laid there, motionless, Heero's body pressed tightly on top of his.

"I love you, Trowa."

"You..." Trowa stuttered, not being able to finish the sentence. Heero slowly wrapped his arms around him, holding him like he had held him so many times.

"I was cold because I didn't think I should love you. I didn't think you deserved that pain."


	3. Chapter 3: The End of Dreaming

Heero had been sitting up for about 5 hours. Trowa was lying next to him, his hand draped across Heero's stomach. He sighed, caressing Trowa's cheek gently. For once in his life, he felt sorry. Sorry for everything he had put Trowa through. "I'm such an asshole..." he muttered.

Trowa twitched in his sleep. Heero looked concerned at him. What was going on? What was wrong with him? Sleeping soundly one moment... then starting to move. Trowa's eyes moved under his eyelids. He had begun to murmur things... to moan slightly. "Trowa?" Heero nudged him gently.

Trowa shot up, throwing Heero's hand aside. "Oh, god." He murmured, cradling his head in his hands. "Not again..."

"Trowa?"

Heero watched as Trowa turned around slowly, an almost surprised look on his face. "What... why are you awake, Heero?"

"I..." Heero was silent. I was watching you sleep, he thought. It always seemed so beautiful, watching you sleep... quiet and peaceful and warm... that's why... He snapped himself out of his thoughts quickly. You've admitted you love him, he knows, you don't need to explain.

Trowa laid back on his side, taking in a deep, painful breath. "Go back to sleep, Heero, you'll need it for tomorrow."

Do I need to explain? Heero thought. Apparently he doesn't understand. "Trowa, tell me what's wrong, please." Heero reached over and rolled him back, making Trowa look at him.

Trowa blinked... he was asking? So much was wrong... so much he never even asked about before. Why would he want to know now. That anger filled Trowa's chest again. Why does the bastard care now? "It was nothing... not anything at all."

"You're lying." Heero looked at him sternly. Why did Trowa feel the need to lie to him?

"Am I?" Trowa was bitter, again.

Heero's eyes narrowed. "Trowa, I know I've hurt you. Will you just give me a chance to make this all up to you? Tell me, now."

It was an order. Trowa sighed... he was in control, but it was a nice control, one that Trowa could live with. "I had a bad dream."

That was rather descriptive. Heero sighed. "What was it?"

Trowa shuddered again... It was my mother, hanging in the bathroom, Heero, he thought. But you won't understand about that. I don't want to tell you... "I don't remember."

"Yes, you do."

"I said I don't!" Trowa raised his voice for once, scaring himself a little.

Heero shrunk back a little. Trowa? Yelling at him? It must be something awful... but why didn't he want Heero to know? I told him I love him, he can trust me, Heero thought. Heero finally laid down next to him and sighed. "Why won't you tell me, Trowa?"

"Because you don't want to know. You don't really care. None of them did."

Them? Heero turned over, looking directly at him. "I do care."

Trowa looked at him... looking for some kind of hint in his eyes that he was really lying to him. Why... what would make him say that if he didn't mean it? Trowa thought. He must mean it, he has to. He's already said it once... it has to be the truth. Trowa was building up his own hopes. He wants to know this time... he wants to. "My mother."

"Huh?" Heero stared blankly at him.

"The dreams... they're all about my mother."

"What happened to her?"

"My father... he left when I was a little boy, about five years old. My mother always hated me... I ruined her life. I was a mistake, and she reminded me each day of that. She blamed me for my father leaving and then... we had a fight one night. She wouldn't even let me touch her anymore," Trowa was pushing back sobs, and Heero could hear it. Heero pulled him closer and wrapped his arms tightly around him, almost sending Trowa into shock.

"Then she told me to leave the room... just to get out. I came back later, sure that apologizing would get rid of her hatred of me. I walked into her room and she wasn't there... then I saw the bathroom door open and walked over and..." The tears were silently streaming down Trowa's face. He was forcing himself not to make a sound. "I didn't know! I walked over and I had no idea what she was doing! Her face was so contorted and... she had just hung herself in the shower, my lovely mother."

"She did what?" Heero's eyes widened.

"She fucking killed herself." Trowa closed his eyes, pushing back the memories of the dreams. And they aren't even real memories, he thought, they're just my dreams. All I can remember of this is my dreams. Maybe they're not real. "I wish it wasn't true."

Heero's heart shattered into pieces, or at least what he had left of one did. "Oh, god, I'm sorry..." He was at a loss for words. Why... would anyone do that? He had hit the self-destruct button... but it wasn't like this. She had hung herself, for her son to find? That was so... cruel. So cruel to do to him, to do to Trowa.

"It was all my fault." He murmured, nuzzling his face into Heero's chest. "I just ruined her life enough for her to want to end it all. And... she never forgave me. She still hates me."

Heero sighed. Trowa was the comforting one... Heero was no good at this! What was he supposed to say? Heero didn't know the difference between comfort and hate... that was apparent with all he had done to Trowa in the first place. He loved him and instead made him feel like he was worthless. I'm so inept, he thought. Maybe if I just hold him...

Trowa relaxed in Heero's arms. He wouldn't say anything. Why? Why wouldn't he just comfort him? Trowa sighed... what was wrong? "Heero, why won't you comfort me?"

Those words were the shoe stopping on Heero's already shattered heart. I'm trying! he thought. I'm trying to, Trowa, god I am. He didn't know what to do. "I'm trying..." he whispered. "Trowa, tell me how... I don't know how to comfort you."

At least he was being honest, Trowa thought. He won't lie to you and tell you it's all alright when it's not... he sighed gently, snuggling closer to Heero. "That's fine," he said quietly.

Fine? "Are you sure?" Heero questioned. He wasn't so sure that Trowa really meant that. He wasn't sure... if he had hurt him again. Damnit, he thought, if I've hurt him again I should just be the one to kill myself. I can't just keep doing those kind of things to him.

"Yes."

"Really?" Heero couldn't believe it. You mean, I didn't do the wrong thing? I... really comforted him? I didn't fail again... I didn't hurt the one I love again?

"Yes, really." Trowa laughed silently, only to himself. Heero seemed... nervous almost. He could hear a breath of relief from him, and he could feel Heero slowly relax. For some reason he had been tense... almost uncomfortable. Trowa moved his head up slowly, planting a soft kiss on Heero's shoulder.

Heero could feel the goose bumps run along his skin. A small smile pierced his usually cold, unemotional lips. He wanted to... just grab Trowa and kiss him, but he controlled himself. He may still be hurt, Heero thought, and doing that to him would not exactly help the situation. Maybe if... what if I... Heero cleared his throat. "Trowa, I'm sorry."

An apology? Trowa was a little startled. An apology from the perfect soldier? I thought the day hell froze over would be the day that Heero apologizes, Trowa thought. Was he really doing it now? Have I just been hearing things? "There's nothing to be sorry for." Trowa could have kicked himself. That sounded so cold to him... as if Heero could never be forgiven for all he's done. I already have, Trowa thought, I've forgiven him a hundred times over.

Heero couldn't believe he had said that... nothing to be sorry for? The guilt was clinging to the inside of Heero's heart. He had been cold... Trowa was so very right when he said that. He hadn't displayed love, only letting it come out on his terms. "I've hurt you. I should be sorry for that." He didn't know what else to say. He could list the thing he's done wrong... but that wouldn't help.

"You don't know..." Trowa could feel the tears in his eyes. There was so many ways he could finish that sentence. So many ways.

"I don't know what?" Heero was wondering what he was really thinking.

Trowa kissed along Heero's shoulder again, sending more warm sensations down Heero's body. "You don't know how long I've waited for you to realize that." That was the best way to finish it, he thought. Trowa smiled, he definitely didn't want another fight.

"I should have known." Again, that regret washed over Heero.

"We both did horrible things, Heero, it's all the past."

"The past..." Heero sighed. First himself, then his mother, then Trowa. All of them destroyed, by your's truly, he thought. "I've destroyed everyone I ever loved."

"Yes, you have."

The warm sensation stopped. What had be just said? Trowa... said that to him? Where was his comfort? Heero wanted to ball his hand into a fist. He suppressed the anger. What did he mean?

Trowa continued to move up Heero's shoulder, to his neck. "But I don't care. You can destroy me all you like. I'll... Heero, I'll love you no matter what." There, he had said it. It felt like this weight had also been lifted off his chest. He knows. Now he really knows.

His need to clench his fist stopped. Instead, the tears wanted to flow down his cheeks. Oh, Trowa, I should never had doubted you... This really is love. Like Mina, real love. Heero bent his head, allowing his lips to touch Trowa's. Trowa, I love you.

Trowa could feel the warmth of his lips on his. He couldn't believe... that Heero wasn't toying with his emotions. This all isn't a game, he thought. I love you so much, Heero.

Heero pulled back gently. He kissed Trowa's cheek gently, wanting to kiss him again. Instead, Heero curled up closely beside him, closing his eyes. Trowa sighed contently, kissing Heero's forehead. He then shut his own eyes, allowing himself to drift into sleep.

--

"Kuru, come on!" The woman shook the boy gently.

"Momma?" The boy woke up confused in his bed. "Momma, what are you doing?"

"Don't ask me what I'm doing, come on, let's go out for a while!" The woman smiled, gently taking his hand. "Don't you want to go out with daddy and I?"

"Daddy? He's here?"

"Of course, silly, come on!"

"Momma, I'm sorry," Kuru said gently.

"Sorry for what?"

"Just sorry."

"Well, honey, you're forgiven. You'll always be forgiven."

--

"Tori?"

"Hm?" The boy turned around, seeing the woman standing on the doorstep. He was outside playing the grass.

"Why don't you come in and have a snack, honey? You've been out here practically all day!"

"I have?" Tori smiled.

"Yes, now come on, honey, let's go inside."

"Momma, one thing."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

"And I'll always feel the same way, darling. Now, come inside."

--

Heero and Trowa awoke at the same time.

My mother... before he left... Trowa's mind was running. It wasn't... I didn't do that to her. She loved me... she was just too fragile. She turned so cold... I'm always forgiven.

Heero smiled gently. Momma. I always will love you, even if I did that to you. It really wasn't me... it wasn't the boy you loved and you knew it. Thank you, momma...

Their eyes met. Both replaying the dreams in their minds. No longer bitter. No longer cold.

--

End.

--

Author's notes:

Thanks so much guys for reading this one. I find this one, by far, my best. I tried pretty hard to stay within the characters that I was using. Comments: I'd love notes, or if you want to go to a bigger extent, email is even more welcome ((my email is on my profile thing)).


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